The average Australian man

Okay, this is barely fitness related, but I have to get it off my chest. You need to be introduced to the average Australian guy. When skyping my sister this weekend, she was like ‘you need to date a surfer’, and I had to explain to her that Home and Away is a lie, and that no Australian looks like that. No one looks like the Hemsworth brothers, I promise.

The average Australian guy is generally found sporting sunglasses that really (and I mean really) don’t fit his face, and should have been thrown away about a decade ago. RayBans and other appropriate brands are rarely worn.

Formula 1 Grand Prix, Turkey, Thursday
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Some might even be found sporting what we in Norway like to refer to as ‘fast shades’, aka sunglasses that should only ever be worn by athletes who need them for a purpose.

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He can also appear pierced. Not in the hot kind of rock-band guy way, but in the way that was cool 20 years ago.

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Tank-tops and tight golden necklaces appear frequently, along with a nasty sunburn (no, Australians don’t come with a golden tan, they come with the British white skin) and sometimes even a lovely beer-gut.

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If his body has not caught up with him due to all of his unhealthy habits, he will be found in the gym (or even outside the gym), proudly wearing the tightest tank-top he could find that doesn’t even cover his nipples, the shortest shorts (could probably pass as underwear for most girls), and the longest and whitest tennis-socks (the further up the leg they can be stretched, the better). If you’re really lucky, you might even get a good look at his Playboy underwear. This guy generally favors the view of your ass as you’re stretching too.

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Never in my life, have I come across guys who shave their legs (part from sporting reasons, that is approved), until I came to Australia. Stubbly legs are not hot, guys, seriously.Β Keep the stubbles to your face. Shaved legs generally do come with a side of fake-tan. Orange fake-tan-lines around your eyebrows is not cool, just sayin’.

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Although I definitely don’t mind a man with a little bit of facial hair, the average Australian guy has generally got it wrong.

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And then of course, their footwear. I think we can determine that Vans are the national costume of Australia. I’m pretty sure we wore Vans in Norway when I was just about 14 years old, and no one with respect for themselves should ever put these shoes on after having passed that age. Unless you can dress well. But as we have established now, the average Australian can’t. Rule 1 on my dating list; no Vans (yes, that does come before the rule of having a private jet).

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Rather than buying a proper car, most of them buy utes (Line finds this hot, she must have been dropped on her head), which makes them all look like trades from the 90’s. Said guys in these utes also enjoy driving slowly past girls whilst yelling at them, preferably when they are driving in the car by themselves (loner, much?). It amazes me every time, like what do they really expect that we will do? Jump in their car and go home with them? Yeah I don’t think so, mate.

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They are also terrible drivers, find drinking and driving highly appropriate, and drugs is more common than candy on my cheat-day. Not to mention the large amount who has never been overseas, not even left the state he lives in, and doesn’t own a passport. Australia has everything, they say. No, my darling, no.

The average Australian guy lives at home until he is about 29 years old, because by that time he will have saved enough money to buy his own houseΒ (dude, what if you don’t wanna live in that one house for the rest of your life? You might wanna move around and explore a little), cannot cook anything but steaks and chips and has never changed his own sheets or cleaned a bathroom or kitchen. Pretty cool bringing a girl home to your parents house, hey?

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And finally, meeting Australian guys generally makes you feel either very old, or very young. It is impossible to tell how old these people are. He either looks like this

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and is just about 17 and a half years old, or looks like this

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and is way past his 30th birthday.

I mean, come on Australia. How hard is it to just.. put in an effort, go to a restaurant that has other things than grilled meat and chips, and look nice?

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2 thoughts on “The average Australian man

  1. Hahaha wow, this is so accurate! Pretty happy to say I am none of these things, but I know SO many guys like this (especially as I come from a small country town!). Seems like most guys just let themselves go from their early 20’s right?
    The gym thing is true too; I work in one and any time you see a female walk through the weights section, all the meat-heads just watch her like predators…
    I think you’d like this blog, this entry was very similar to some of their material: http://thingsboganslike.com/the-full-list/

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